The best defense is a good defense: Lou City 2-Indy 0

Oct 5

Indy’s Lindley and his thighs look confused about possession or maybe why Taylor Swift calls herself a “Father Figure.” Meanwhile Kyle Adams is giving the ball earmuffs and Taylor Davila looks concerned about the language on the pitch.

A red card for Damian Las in the 72nd minute left Lou City with 10 players and me speechless. I think I was in good company as fans were struggling to understand exactly what happened. It looked like Lou City gave the ball to Las to help them regain control of the ball. For some reason, Las took a couple extra steps to try to reposition the ball before launching it, but he just didn’t have time for all that. So rather than give up a goal, Las used some fancy footwork to trip up a blue boy and draw a red card.

It was justified, as a DOGSO* (Dubious, Overplayed move by the Goalie; he Shouldn’t have tackled the Opponent) and high price to pay to keep dirt off the ol’ clean sheet. Faundez hurried to get warm; Phil Goodrum (exhausted from his four minutes of play) had to return to the bench, and suddenly every Lou City player and blade of grass on the pitch assumed a singular mission: keep the ball out of Lou City’s net.

*Fine, DOGSO actually means denied obvious goal scoring obsidian.

Cameron Lancaster silently judges Phil Goodrum on the length of his shorts during warm-up. Everyone knows the style now is to show off the tats and the thighs by rolling up your shorts and tucking them in. This can be a great look unless the shorts are white and giving diaper.

A Rhetorical Why-does-anyone-anywhere-ever-wear-white-shorts-to-play-sports Warm-up Gallery

Pre-match huddle, Kyle caught me eavesdropping, but I promised not to tell anyone that they weren’t talking game strategy but about who shaves their legs. Oops, I mean they were absolutely talking game strategy.

As always, the team photo features 10 fierce ballers (Aiden clearly is not one of the shavers) and the warm, friendly, Kyle Adams who lures you into the false sense of security before punching you in the throat if you try to get near his net.

*The match started with the Josh-Jones-throws-the-ball-in moment as Josh forgets what to do with the ball before throwing it in. Does the towel wet the ball so it will go farther? That must be it.*

The Aiden McFadden energy rush hits early (and late), okay it never really stops. Most 5’ 9” defenders would let the Joshes and Kevons of the world go for the headers but when Jack Harlow is in the house, we are double-reminded that White Men Can Jump.

*Adrien Perez and Totsch are wondering how the ball missed the net and I’m wondering how Totsch’s shirt manages to stay tucked in all game.*

Sam Gleadle had some awesome moves and I got some amazing action shots but those aren’t really on-brand for me. Instead, I captured this move that Sam has certainly used to keep his son out of the candy aisle at Target.

This amazing action shot of Ray Serrano is on-brand for me because of Coach Danny Cruz in the background, a toe outside the coach’s box, unhappy that it’s been five minutes of play and Lou City hasn’t scored yet.

*It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s 2 nanoseconds before Adams leaps into the air for a beautiful header. Serrano warns 6 to just “sit back and watch the magic.”*

*Indy’s six tries the ol’ “Hey, look over there!” move on Kevon Lambert, as introduced by Will Ferrell on SNL in 1999.*

*Lambert was actually what was “over there” before six could recover.*

We’ve gone too long without a shot of Adrien Perez, so here he is calling the ball so that everyone knows that it’s his. Like when my kids call “shotgun” so they can ride in front. Everyone knows this works.

*Unlike calling shotgun, jersey pulling is not legal.*

*Arm-pulling, completely legal. But only when it’s done Gleadle-candy-aisle-style. Perez has mastered the technique.*

*The foot positioning by Davila the Elder. The intensity of Las’ face. The tucked-in-ness of Totsch’s jersey. That ball is not getting past that combination.*

*Taylor Davila with a fantastic slide to keep Indy from making a play. You know he and Evan had a slip n’ slide growing up and that experience is paying off big in goals-prevented and grass stains.*

*Kevon Lambert setting up Amadou Dia’s goal at the 36th minute as blue boy on the ground waves good-bye to Indy’s clean sheet.*

*You think Aiden McFadden is celebrating Dia’s goal but he’s actually just pumped about the return of Monopoly at McDonald’s. “You get Boardwalk yet? I got Park Place!”*

Dia’s Goal Celebration Gallery featuring a crying keeper and the back of people’s heads

*Back to Adrien Perez. Leading contender for my full-back tattoo.*

*Totsch looking like he joined that old whack-a-mole game and got beat down with a mallet. Turns out the mallet was a soccer ball.*

Anybody else get confused sometimes by the number of soccer balls on the field as part of the marketing boards? Look how Josh Jones is flanked by seemingly identical soccer balls. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Davila the Elder weaves in and out of blue traffic (more like immobile traffic cones) heading towards the goal. Serrano looks on in disbelief. How long are these Indy players going to fake injuries while Lou City is clearly about to score?

A-goal-and-a-celebration-for-Taylor-Davila Gallery

Seems like everyone has their own bourbon these days. David Beckham owns or partners with Haig Club. Peyton Manning, Andy Roddick and friends partner with Sweetens Cove. And alright alright alright Wild Turkey we know you got Matthew McConaughey. When Kyle Adams decides to go for it, he already has an image for the bottle. He’s 90% of the way there.

*Ray Serrano’s reaction to my Matthew McConaughey impression.*

*Dia solidifying his Man of the Match contendership (it’s a real word, you don’t have to look that up) with some ball control that doesn’t require full thigh exposure.*

*McFadden setting the stage for his insanity plea in a future arson trial where he frames Kyle Adams by using some of his bourbon, Savannah Sunrise, to start the fire.*

*Always love to see that ‘stache warming up. I guess technically Phil is the one warming up. Don’t get too warm, Phil. I have some bad news.*

The-ref-remembers-he-hasn’t-given-out-any-cards-yet-so-unfairly-picks-Perez-because-he-is-jealous-of-his-thick-hair Gallery

Damian Las - is he a) punching the ball through the roof of the net, b) wondering if Jack Harlow is at the match, or c) enjoying the last few minutes of his red-cardless career? Maybe all of the above.

*I’ll start with the good news, Damian. ‘Ya boy’ is in the house.*

*Before we get to the bad news, here’s the start of four minutes of Phil Goodrum.*

Four-minutes-of-Phil Gallery

He played for so little time that Phil had to get a stand-in for the “Phil Goodrum shows us his abs” series. Thanks to both Phil and Kyle Adams for ensuring coverage (or uncoverage?) of this important weekly topic.

Sadly, back to Damian Las. Here we see his blurry decision-making in progress. He takes a couple extra steps before trying to launch the ball and the Indy presser seizes the opportunity. So Las seizes him and draws a red card.

Damian-Las-send-off Gallery which I wasn’t going to post out of respect for Damian but look at all those encouraging words being shared and oops there’s Kyle’s abs again.