The One with the Fireworks
Jansen Wilson scores the only goal of the match but before celebrating, he does a quick survey of the crowd to see if anyone brought self-tanner that he can use on his thighs.
Were there punches thrown? Why was no red card given when Faundez was thrown to the ground after a beautiful save? What time does the 10pm fireworks show start? These and other burning questions will not be answered in this article because I just take pictures.
Enjoy some snaps of great football (soccer) with my witty commentary (lazy observations) and helpful insights (nonsense).
Since I’ve seen Lou City warm-up approximately 7000 times, I know their routine and could lead it in a pinch (Coach Bird, I’m waiting for your call). I quickly picked up on changes to said routine at the July 4th match, and I have to say I am a huge fan of this new chest/ shoulder bump sequence executed by Totsch and Adams. There’s no physical benefit to this, it must be a mental thing, and Dayes wisely steered clear. I’ll make sure he’s included when I run the warm-ups.
Also new to warm-ups, new banners! The Coopers and some other talented fans designed and painted their hearts out to show the players how much they are appreciated. Zoom to see the details!
After the June 13th match, during player cooldowns, I was marching across the pitch with my camera like I owned the place and nearly got run over by Quenzi Huerman who was obviously cooling down. I yelled an apology and made a mental note to avoid him for the rest of my life (out of embarrassment). During warm-ups before the July 4th match, a rogue ball came my way and I astutely stopped the ball and gained control because I was wearing my favorite Adidas and remember, I own this place. I looked up to see Quenzi waiting for me to return the ball, and since there were no rocks available for me to crawl under, I kicked it back to him and got a friendly thumbs up. Now I am even more embarrassed and will be moving to whichever country wins the World Cup.
That’s it, Aiden, oh that I could crawl into a warm-up penny and disappear for a bit. Dang it, I think Quenzi saw me take this picture.
Of course I will be adding to the “Kyle Adams Fusses at Someone” picture series, but a new series opportunity presented itself when I capture the moment that Kyle saw his fiancée, the former US National team and current Racing Louisville player, Savannah DeMelo, in the stands. I bet this is one person he never fusses at.
I’m waiting for Kyle to flash me a similar smile when we lock eyes over the huddle but I think he’s in full fussing mode.
Look who’s back - it’s Jamaican National team member Kevon Lambert, pronounced Kev-in, Kev-ohn, or Kev-an depending on which part of the country you’re from and which pronunciation guide you’re reading.
Coming down the pitch is Ray Serrano, bringing a wave of uncertainty that usually only comes from placing a “next day” Amazon order and wondering if your bird seed will arrive at 4am or 10pm.
The problem with having a bowl cut and playing soccer is two-fold: 1) a little wind got you looking like this, and 2) every other minute you have a bowl cut.
Jake Morris had a fantastic match and I’m not just saying that because I sit on his side of the net and saw him run by me 50 times. I’m saying that because I have photo evidence. Bing bang boom.
Quick Jake Morris Appreciation Gallery because I didn’t get to touch a ball last night but I was close enough to Jake for him to sweat on me so I came out ahead.
Enjoy some fan pics as much as this first fan enjoyed catching a ball and getting his own pics before someone decided it should probably be retrieved.
Original audio: Me singing “Y’all ready to for this? Dun dun dun dun da da, da da da da da, dun dun, da da da da da…” (Please don’t count the duns and das just sing it with me…) “I’m ready…”
Even the ref is impressed with Serrano’s fancy footwork, which I guess isn’t saying much since this was the first live soccer match he had ever seen.
Okay, here’s the infamous throwdown of Danny Faundez after his save early in the match. While I did see this young man - sorry, autocorrect - sad excuse for a human being throw Danny to the ground, I think it actually went something like this:
Instinct from basic human kindness: Catch the guy who just fell into you because he didn’t realize you were lurking close enough behind him to count the hairs on his head.
Instinct from Hartford wanker kicks in to override initial act of kindness: *proceeds to toss Danny to the ground with a little extra umf for good measure*
And yay I get to add to my series as the fussing begins. Referee says he’ll check the rule book during the hydration break but he actually has never seen a rule book.
I think my camera was trying to blur the offensive language here and focused on Danny (no complaints) but I can’t not post a picture of Angry Kyle, even if he’s blurry. It’s in my rule book.
Taking this one out for a spin again: Here comes Energizer Donny to keep the pressure on the keeper! (The little censors in my brain that release the dopamine really like all the shades of purple in this picture.)
You know what they also really like? Chocolate.
So much possession, and so many close shots on goal that just didn’t go in. I was happy to see some long shots from Totsch, Adams, and Davila (pictured) to keep Hartford sharp.
Despite all the excitement around the net, this media guy is on his phone, probably snapping with his girlfriend.
Another long shot sent to the net, this time by chocolate.
I absolutely loved watching Akale mess with the Hartford players, weaving in and out of them like he was putting on a clinic.
There’s so much going on here I just wanted to unpack it for you. It started with the ref on the right telling a dad joke. (Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? She had a pumpkin for a coach.) Coach Brd overhears it and agrees that’s pretty solid. He’ll run that by the guys in the locker room at the half, but only if they’re winning. Meanwhile the Hartford coach is telling his player to pick up the gum he just spit out on the pitch and Kyle is calmly inviting everyone to simmer down now.
Taylor Davila tries to pass me the ball so that I can take a shot. (Quenzi must’ve told him about my ball-handling skills.)
Readying for a Lou City corner kick, the players are instructed by the center ref to line up by height. Donovan laughs as his shorter colleague confides that he wears lifts in his shoes.
Sean Totsch and Kevon Lambert find a ladybug on the pitch. Left Hartford player has never seen a ladybug before and asks if they can name it “Lady.”
Angry Kyle makes another brief appearance as Hartford player invites him to wipe that smug look off his face and Kyle complies.
The usually stoic Danny Faundez jumps into action with his wingmen, Gleadle and Totsch. Y’all already know that clean sheet is safe.
Action at the net (that would be a great name for a band) stops Tola and Aiden in their tracks as they head down the pitch to warm up.
Serrano is determined to get a goal and thinks maybe he can sneak in on his tippy toes. He almost succeeded.
Just to show that Donny does more than harass the keeper, here’s a snap of one of his runs down the pitch, collar up, all business.
Serrano’s toes taking the lead again.
We haven’t talked much about Hartford’s keeper, seen here not keeping. He really did keep Lou City out of the net quite a bit, even from mid-field somehow.
Kevon Lambert doing a great impression of kids everywhere on Sunday morning when their moms tell them to put on their shoes, it’s time to go to church.
Zach Duncan has entered the match and immediately establishes his personal space. Hartford players can’t wait to invade it.
Some people have expressive faces and others are too busy smoldering.
Donny escorts the ball down the pitch and sends a perfect little cross into the path of Serrano, but the ball chooses keeps on going…and going…
…and going…
and going! Into the path of Jansen Wilson, who slides into home with the dust to show for it and lands a goal!
Time to celebrate!
Wilson tries for a brace, or maybe an assist where Serrano slides this time. I can handle his disappointment but Ray laying next to the net has me in tears. The laughing kind, not the Sabrina Carpenter kind.
Captain Kyle Adams tries out some mind control tricks with the ref. “You will call fouls on dangerous plays to protect the players. These ARE the yellow cards you’re looking for…"
Danny hustles to get the ball back into play so that he’s not tackled again.
Everyone just loves getting their hands on Tola Showunmi. His new defensive technique involves grabbing chest hair, but this guy evidently doesn’t have any.
Quenzi Huerman manages to run down the pitch without a photographer getting in his way. This Hartford player is much easier to dodge.
Rather than a hydration break, the refs call an intermission for Fight Club as Hartford brutally attacks Zach Duncan.
Kyle is ready to do more than fuss after the ref again refuses to control the match.
Faundez (left) has some words for Hartford and Amadou Dia has maybe just one word.
Serrano: Let me help you up, man.
Tosch: Nah nah, let him sell i- I mean, let him recover a bit longer.
Duncan continues to “writhe in pain” on the ground while the fight winds down. Let’s see how the ref handles this.
The center ref calls for the support of his bald line judge because of the sheer confidence that he exudes.
Tola wants a piece of the action. (It sounds like I am narrating a 90s action film, but that’s my training so pipe down.)
What are you gonna do, cry about it? Go on then crybaby, cry.
Time is ticking down so it’s time to play strategy. Oops, look at that, the ball has accidentally fallen from the ball stand to this position behind the media. The ball girl notices and attempts to retrieve it, but I assure her it was placed there by a player so it’s legit, and just like that I’m in on the “strategy”! Je peux garder un secret.
Not to be eclipsed by the drama on the pitch, the city’s fireworks start promptly at 10pm.
Tola ends up on the ground and appeals one last time for a reasonable call from the refs. Denied.
Post-match fireworks and chats as Lou City enjoys the 1-0 win over Hartford.
