I thought the story of the match would be Aiden McFadden’s new haircut, or maybe Jansen Wilson’s two goals in twelve minutes, but it was evidently Damian Las’s double save that won him Man of the Match and gave him talking points for the media and the Post-Match Celebration in the Fifth Third* Premium Club as well as every party he’ll ever go to until he’s 30.

*Please send me some money, Fifth Third, for this otherwise free promotion of the greatest banking services in the world (wink). You can make the check out to “Cash.”

But before I get to the four goals, or the crowd at Lynn Family doing the wave, let’s look at the pre-match fun that was had by all. Fans were lined up deep outside both main gates to get inside early for a free Lou City shirt and so many other goodies! Fossi Lou balloons offered free balloon creations (in mostly purple, of course!), there were inflatables, and there was face painting!

(True story: I tried doing face painting once, for a free community event, around the time that the Avengers Endgame was raking in gazillions at the Box office, and this sweet little boy asked me to paint his face as “Thanos.” (Pro tip for anyone offering a free service at a large event, give people a MENU so they don’t ask for crazy things like painting their face as Thanos.) So, any way I used all my purple paint to cover this kid’s face like one of those charcoal masks that ladies think makes their skin glow and this kid was beyond excited. I now include this skill on my resume.

Aiden McFadden debuted his new haircut during warm-ups. He kept the ‘stache but abandoned the headband in what some fans called “a good look for the summer” or “a complete and total heartbreak” but no worries, he still has the confidence of a man with Glorious Locks.

*Speaking of excuses to feature our Captain…*

Warm-ups are important to every member of the team, including those starting on the bench as well as the pitch. Gatorade Towel uses the time to reflect on his role on the team and his brief but wonderful fling with Lost Sock, mutual friend of Josh Jones.

*Getting the pitch ready for another beating, the Grounds Crew also shows their support for the Boys in Purple and the Glorious Locks hairstyle.*

Whatever the fans did to deserve the heartfelt rendition of the National Anthem brought to us by the Rockin Cowboyz and the flyover from “Smoke on Formation Flying Team” out of Bowman Field…let’s keep doing that, shall we? (I’m way too young to remember Wayne’s World but “We’re not worthy!”)

Huge fan of the pyrotechnics! Rethinking my entire career now, knowing that I could’ve been working with fireworks for a living instead of whatever the heck a masters in “Industrial Engineering” was supposed to get me ***(Ed: Your husband to name one thing)***. Clearly, I use those skills every day. But fireworks? My meetings would be so cool. “Thanks for coming to the Status Update meeting. While Brian reads us this week’s issues log, I’m going to light some stuff on fire.” What a missed opportunity.

*I love how calm these guys considering 1) they’re getting ready to fight for 1st place is the USL Championship League and 2) there’s a literal fire blazing behind them.*

Oh the metaphors that leap from the page as I caption this beautifully timed picture that I accidentally captured. I’m going to go with “Aiden McFadden, never stop playing like your hair is on fire, because one day it may actually be.”

*So evidently “Phil’s Abs” is now a regular attendee of the warm-up huddle (long overdue) so here they are again.*

*And they’re off! Phil’s abs want more than just a feature in the huddle! They want some action in the first five minutes of the game! Can they do it?*

*Judging by the number of Charleston players on the ground, I’m gonna say Phil and his abs did it.*

Goodrum’s Celebration Gallery

Wondering why Charleston didn’t follow the first goal with one of their own? Well, we have Damian Las who majored in Ball Punching and Kevon Lambert who can levitate, so poor Charleston didn’t really have a fair shot.

Here is that rarely seen 0.005 seconds between the Keeper wondering if the ball made it into the net and knowing that yes, the ball is indeed in the net. It’s recognizable because of the lack of utter despair on the Keeper’s face and the hesitant look on the faces of fans before they erupt into cheers.

*Wilson and Serrano clarify things for the crowd pretty quickly. Ball in net. Jansen would like a hug. Serrano is pointing to Jansen’s abs for their portion of the credit.*

Jansen Wilson Celebration Gallery

*Sometimes Art needs no caption. Many times that Art features Josh Jones.*

*Other times, Art is begging for a caption contest. Whatever Aiden is saying, I believe him 100%. He didn’t do it. He’s innocent, I say! Or it’s not his fault, he’s having a new hair day.*

*Back to the Art. Looks like maybe a handball but that sunset forgives all fouls.*

*Serrano looking at that ball like I look a bowl of Driscoll’s blueberries. So delicious.*

It’s hard to make it to the game on time, especially if you’re a hungry girl. I told them they had already missed two goals right in front of their section, but they still stopped for fries. Mom eye roll here. (The one on the left is mine, and the one on the right is a bonus daughter with a secret crush on Phil Goodrum. Oops, don’t anyone tell I let her secret slip, unless you happen to have Phil’s number.)

*Wait, it’s been 11.5 minutes and Wilson hasn’t scored? Please hold while I get a less blurry picture.*

*There he is! Jansen Wilson kicking off another celebration gallery with the third LC goal of the match.*

Jansen Wilson Goal Two Celebration Gallery

Fans…may I present OUR BENCH! Any other team would trade their mothers for starters this good. And I’m not even showing the brilliant Niall McCabe or brick-wall Keeper Danny Faundez because they were the first out for warmups. The second half is going to sizzle.

*I’m sure he can see much better with the Goodrum haircut, but it’s also good to know that the Aiden McFadden leap of exuberance hasn’t lost any of its glory.*

*I cannot get enough of Wilson tonight! (Or that sunset!)*

Back to the warm-ups from the bench. This is how talent gets ready. Everyone take notes. Gallery.

*Called up! Gatorade towel is required in the match. But only briefly, for the Josh Jones-dries-the ball series entry of the week.*

*Unaltered photo! I know it looks like I did a face swap for 62 and Emma Watson, but dude really is just that pretty. And he 100% gets manicures.*

*Wilson going for a hat trick, but Emma Watson had his number. And 10 had a question. “Teacher, can I go the bathroom?” Everyone calm down, it’s almost second half.*

*So close. Wilson is almost apologizing for missing the goal. I don’t think the crowd can handle any more excitement.*

Before we break for half, we need to repeat a throw-in seven times. We need Aiden and 7 to have an inside joke that they will never share with the rest of the class, and we need the ref to yell at players for not getting out of the way of a free kick. We need a Gallery.