Clean Sheet Night at Lynn Family (Lou City v New Mex)
Josh Jones fends off jersey pulling and groping during a rare minute of actual game play.
It was Teacher Appreciation night, so fans showed up with Lysol wipes and high hopes for a clean sheet and a handful of goals. We’re still waiting on the goals, and for someone to track down that cannonball that Jake Morris sent towards Adams Street in the 2nd half of the match.
During post-match media interviews, Coach Danny Cruz expressed his absolute delight with how well the match was run by the All-Star team of officials, and how pleased he was that the New Mexico players and fans could celebrate the draw on our pitch in front of over 10,000 of our fans. He did not have to be censored on the audio and video; he was calm as a cucumber and even curtsied before heading back to the locker room for champagne and caviar with Scarlett Johansson.
Or…the game was a felonious disaster of time-wasting that Coach plans to document and submit to the Referee Courts, and below I will present Exhibits A -Z.
Exhibit A is for Adams. During the coin toss, the referees showed their immediate disdain for Lou City by pulling Kyle Adams’ jersey over his head, Happy-Gilmore-2 style, leaving his amazing curls in his face for the pre-game huddle.
Exhibit B is for Bench. During the team huddles, the Refs snuck over to the Lou City bench and turned all of the pinnies insight out. Pretty evil, considering that pinnies are actually double-sided. (Welcome back to the land of the dressed, Adrian Perez! Super excited to his face.)
Exhibit C is for clumsy. I have always hated the expression, falling “asp over tea kettle” but clearly that expression is based on a soccer event when one player has an ugly fall and fails to slow down the progress of the other, much more talented player. BTW that’s not a typo; remember I’m an engineer - and a lady - so I frequently use the word “tea kettle.” Since there’s also tripping involved, you’re probably wondering which foul was called. Both were called, by no one but the fans.
Exhibit D is for Dashing. To make up for all the time wasting (during which the NM Keeper was rumored to be working a kid’s Sudoku puzzle), Aiden McFadden revealed a new super speed that he’s been working on post-haircut.
Exhibit E is for Engaging. If you’re going to pick a fight with Phil Goodrum, be warned that he has a black belt. If that and his Tom-Selleck mustache don’t scare you, then you’re probably the type that would be too slow to move out of the way when your Keeper is trying to make a play.
Exhibit F is for McF. McFadden. IYKYK. I know I could have used “F is for Foul” here, but that would be too obvious, and I absolutely love this moment where Aiden is setting up a shot and yellow is just playing Tag.
Exhibit G - Goalkeeper time wasting. So much. All night. Starting here! Get up and get that ball back into play! Why are you still laying on the ground with your eyes closed?
Exhibit H is for Height. Something you definitely want in your Keeper and your Midfielders, but less so in your shots toward the goal. Jake Morris made some beautiful plays to get into scoring position but the holes in his socks gave his leg muscles a little too much power. I think Phil Goodrum was going to make the American football field goal gesture (“It’s good!”) and decided against it. Jake is going to find a corner to cry in.
Exhibit I is “I actually don’t play for you” - but I’m sure it was helpful for Josh Jones to listen to the NM coach instruct his players on who to cover with Lou City. Josh threw in the other direction. Thanks, coach-with-a-little-c.
Exhibit J is for Josh Jones. (Just kidding, I’m going to save that for Scategories and get double points.) Just look at this moment of pain (fake for NM, probably real for Ordóñez) that drew the only yellow card or attention of any kind from the officials all night. J is for inJustice and caJones.
While Ordóñez gets some ice, let’s take a moment for a Sunset Gallery.
Exhibit K is for “Kids, cover your eyes” while I present a recommendation for the next Lou City calendar. You’ve heard of the Stache Bros, but may I present, the Abs Bros. Phil Goodrum is already a member; he auditioned a few weeks back. (What’s that you say, there’s no calendar? Somebody needs to get on that.)
Exhibit L - Las’s night off. Danny Faundez earned a clean sheet with a couple fancy saves and couple sideways glances at balls that were so off target they were Walmart.
Exhibit M - Made you look! Serrano delivers a nice sideways pass out of reach of yellow.
Exhibit N is for “Not on my watch” - Phil Goodrum, to Sleeper Keeper, who messed around with the ball for what felt like a full episode of Severance.
Exhibit O, for the blood type the paramedics keep on hand in case a player gets beaten to a pulp for groping Ordóñez. Yellow can’t say he wasn’t warned.
Exhibit P for this glorious pass that Adams tried to make to me (off the boot of Yellow), but alas, I didn’t make the team when they had open tryouts. My reliable Skechers deflected the ball towards Yellow’s bench, and I could tell everyone on the entire pitch was in awe of my skills. No autographs, please.
Exhibit Q - I know you’re wondering, maybe hoping that I’ll abandon this ABC thing, but if it worked for Sue Grafton, I know it can work for me! For I am a tenacious yet Quiet being, the likes of Davila the Elder, who is Quite difficult to photograph because of his playmaker-not-shot-taker role on the team. Also, he gets the best, weirdest expressions on his face when he’s in the zone.
Exhibit R - Captain Kyle to Referee #0, RU ever going to start calling fouls, because that guy needs one, also that guy, and those 3 guys…
Exhibit S is in loving memory of the dozens of set pieces wasted because how are you supposed to score when the jersey grabbing and the bear hugging just won’t quit?
Exhibit T - for the tears in “Maurice’s” socks, as the section behind me repeatedly referred to Jake Morris. They also claimed to love him, which was clearly a lie since they didn’t even know his real name.
Exhibit U - another pass? for me? Why thank you. I was Up close and personal with Lou City’s attacking left for most of the 2nd half, and 12/10 would apocalypse with.
Exhibit V for the very crampy, wolf-crying boys in Yellow who spent valuable playable minutes examining the fine work of the Lynn Family Stadium Groundskeepers. The trainers got tired of running on and off the pitch and eventually appointed this dude as caretaker and shoe-tie-er for the “injured.”
While the faux injured are getting faux medical treatment, let’s pause for some player galleries.
Jake Morris “Maurice” Gallery
Danny Faundez Gallery
Jansen Wilson Gallery
Exhibit W - Wait for it - someone passed a note to Yellow, and it looks like Ownby was asked to deliver it, because he’s clearly worried about being caught by a teacher. What was on the note?!? I’m dying over here.
Exhibit X - I like to think of Amadou Dia as the X factor, because when he comes in off the bench, he is rested but fired up and oh my gawd is Yellow on the ground again? What the X!$X?
Exhibit Y - as in Y the H not, after a match of no-calls, there may have been some playful bantering, holding, shoving and other lovely exchanges.
But everyone was having fun. Well, some appeared to be royally ticked. I caught some friendly exchanges and some discussions about the new Cracker Barrel logo that these warrant a quick What-are-they-talking-about Gallery
Let’s start to wrap with one last player gallery, the Why-Don’t-I-have-more-pictures-of-this-man Cameron Lancaster Gallery
And a shout-out to our Captain - only because he’s our Captain and for no other reason - here’s a rhetorical Why-do-I-have-so-many-pictures-of-this-man Kyle Adams Gallery featuring Phil Goodrum and his abs, and my beautiful bonus daughter, who finally got Goodrum’s number (9).
Exhibit Z - Did you think I forget about the Josh-Jones-throws-the-ball in series? I didn’t! I saved it for Z end. I’ll show myself out.
