The One with the Middle Names
Taking a break from the Street Clothes Gang, Joshua Jeremiah Jones hangs with Mama Jones during the match.
It was a tough match to watch and maybe one that we don’t want to revisit, but I have talked a lot of smack on social about supporting the team no matter what. I may not bring my A game today because I’m also going through some staffing changes - I start a new job tomorrow! - but this is when it’s most important to focus on the benefits of change.
I think it was Jesus who said “the only thing constant is change,” and I am inclined to agree. Fans were so excited to get several new players this season. Fans were also sad to see several players retire or released, but this is all part of the annual cycle of team evolution. We like to think that all of the changes were in our control and that the coaches and club were orchestrating a Grand Plan that would make Lou City even more amazing than they were in 2025.
Then Phil Goodrum did his thing and reminded us that surprises can happen. That stung, since he went to our neighbor to the east, but we went into Lexington and wiped the pitch with them for the season opener. That high lasted about 12 minutes and then Coach Danny Cruz shared his news. While not completely unexpected, since the season had kicked off, fans thought maybe he was going to stick around another year. We had settled into the new season with our massive egos and competitive advantage intact. Tsk tsk, as my mother would say when I thought I had mopped the floor to a nice shine. I had forgotten to look under the table. Crumbs everywhere. I was done not. And so Lou City’s 2026 look was not done. We suddenly needed a new head coach. Simon Bird has stepped in to try to bridge the gap, fill some big shoes, clean up the crumbs. And all eyes are now on him.
Lou City’s recent struggles could be due to any number of things. For instance, my daughter’s friend sat on her luggage during a recent trip with her boyfriend’s fraternity and broke her make-up mirror. Personally, I think that’s the cause of our bad luck. There’s also the continued absence of Josh Jones and Kevon Lambert, with Brandon Dayes joining the Street Clothes Gang yesterday in a walking boot. We need some Wheaties or V8 or green tea or something to get these guys healthy! Or if could be that Coach Simon is not being mean enough in the locker room. (Remember, he confessed early on that he was Good Cop to Danny’s Bad Cop after matches when someone sneezed in the wrong direction, so I don’t see Simon as being a Big Meanie with the team.) Maybe they need the mean.
Since it’s Mother’s Day, and I’m a mom, I am going to try to pick up the mean slack here the way that mothers do best - by middle naming. Now, some of our players don’t have middle names. Others have middle names that are perfectly normal but some have middle names that were not easily found online. To ensure equal treatment of all players, I am going to use middle names that I make-up except for one because it is just too perfect not to use. Enjoy my light scolding of the players, mom-style, and send me some positive vibes, dad-style, as I get ready to start my new job tomorrow.
I almost forgot that it was Pups on the Pitch night! The lucky little honorary captain was held lovingly by Kyle Luca Adams.
Kyle Luca waits for someone to come claim the pup so that he can resume captaining. It should have been a red flag early that the refs were not paying attention because watch the stoic reaction that Ref Archibald has to the puppy cuteness. Same reaction he had to the Pitt Keeper taking the ball out of bounds behind the net: zero.
Fans were ecstatic to see this man’s name on the Starting Eleven list. Welcome back, Aiden DeLee McFadden. Love what you’ve done with your hair!
Not his best match, but always 100% effort from Jansen Woodrow Wilson.
I would wager a large sum of someone else’s money that Daniel Sebastian Faundez simply lost the ball in the sun. Early lead by Pitt is the pitts.
Aiden DeLee! Your first match back after a ligament injury and you’re attempting a bicycle kick! Go to your room!
Keep your eyes on the ball Carlos Trinidad Francisco de Monk Mogul, Jr, or no dessert for you.
No playing ball in the house, Mukwelle Dimitris Akale! Oh, never mind, you’re on the pitch. Just wash your hands before you come back inside. Dinner’s almost ready.
Hope you remembered to put on sunscreen, Taylor Tailor Davila. And maybe a few more crunches for you at the gym this week? Oops, I almost devitated from mom mode. Sorry not sorry.
I knew I could count on Kyle Luca to help me do some fussing at people. This missed goal by Judas Thee Iscariot was an embarrassment to the entire world of soccer, football, and futbol.
Kyle Luca turns his attention to Center Ref (Warren Piece) and complains that players are touching him. Warren threatens to separate them and put up all their toys. Haha just kidding. He says “leave me alone” and proceeds to ignore everyone the rest of the match.
Tola Jonathan Showunmi also petitions the ref to do his job, but the ref just threatens to lock them outside to play if they can’t get along.
[Taking off mom hat for a minute] This guy is giving Benson Boone and I’m here for it. [Puts mom hat back on] Young man, you should be playing for Lou City. I’m so disappointed in you.
Zachary Heinrich Duncan and Emmanual Seinfeld Perez, who made this mess? Both of you get in here now and clean it up! Or just get a goal. Really would rather have a goal honestly.
Why does Christopher Diane Donovan always look so surprised to see the ball? Like you’re surprised when I tell you that your bed isn’t made when I tell you to come in here and make your bed? Might as well change the sheets while you’re at it. Too late for a clean sheet tonight, though.
If the match had warranted a Man of the Match, I would have voted for Sean Severus Totsch. Even after the ref found a random yellow card on the pitch and pointed it in his direction, Sean Severus persisted, like my kids when I tell them no to anything. That’s why we have 3 cats and a bunny.
My apologies ref, you were right, there was absolutely no jersey pulling, holding, fouls of any kind. I’ll take you to the mall as soon as I fold the laundry.
Zachary Heinrich be careful out there! But don’t worry, Taylor Tailor’s got your back, he’s a big brother after all.
This Gallery is for Mama Davila. Enjoy some moments with TT and Evan Almighty Davila playing nice. I’m sure there were days that she wondered if this was possible, but here they are.
Evan Almighty is pushing the ref to make the call when the keeper takes the ball out of bounds and then pretends to tie his shoe. I bet he was a tattle tale little bro. “Maaah-ohm, TT took my Oreos!” But this time, Oreos were definitely taken, and the Oreos were possession and maybe a free kick.
Ray Romano Serrano brought some much-needed energy to the match, like bringing a toddler to an intervention. (It was pretty solemn and desperate those last 10 minutes.)
Coach Simon also sent Quentin Noelle Huerman in to shake things up. Don’t shake the dog, Quenzi Noelle! Don’t pull his fur! What happened to your sucker?
TT again questions the lack of calls from the ref and Amadou Marceau Dia has been subbed to help with the disappointed dad looks.
Despite the end, the players gave 110%. It was heart-wrenching to watch them pour their heart and souls into the match and come away with zero goals and zero points. But let’s focus on the positives, in Gallery form.
