The One with the New Guy

Lou City fans love a good rumor (less so than Racing Louisville fans), so when news was intentionally leaked that there were roster changes, the speculation began.

“Is Goodrum returning?” “Coach news?” “New uniforms that aren’t black?” “Can we get that Danny Rojas guy?”

Okay that last one was from me and I was joking, because I know that Rojas (when he’s not Ted Lassoing, he goes by Cristo Fernández) was signed by El Paso Locomotive. And since they didn’t bring a locomotive to town, the least they could’ve done is brought Cristo. We even have the “Fútbol is life"!” shirt in the gift shop. If only this was the most disappointing thing from last night’s match.

Alas, it was not. For some reason, Matthew Corrigan continues to be employed by PRO (which is not short for professional, but it supposed to be a company of referees). He showed up as center referee for the match last night. From the yellow card on Brandon Dayes for not covering his mouth when he sneezed to the blatant oversight of El Paso tripping, fouling, and mistreating Lou City all night long, this middle school drop-out failed to manage the game. Sure, time wasting is fine when Lou City is doing it, but a visitor coming into Lynn Family and taking more than ten seconds on a throw in or a goal kick is just unacceptable. We are here to see some fútbol and were not happy to have Corrigan let the match be wasted away by some train guys.

Let’s start off this rant (actually more of a hazing) with a picture of Jansen Wilson being chased by supposedly the best-looking Locomotive. I heard that he dresses like a werewolf every Halloween and most Fridays.

Before the match, the pitch hosted warm-ups and excited mini-soccer players who celebrated a generous donation to the Lou City-Racing foundation.

As usual, the walk-out started when Kyle Adams swaggered down the stairs towards the pitch. But instead of heading to midfield, he gave me a knowing look and went to find a choice spot on the bench. I see you, Kyle. You are too good for that bench.

And I see you, Young Davila. He is the masterful little brother who knows that when pictures are being taken, he needs to be in the mix.

Speaking of family, the line-up is the perfect time to say hi to mom, or to make a new friend. Unless you’re Amadou Dia, who uses the time to worry about the next time he’s going to be able to mow the grass. It has really been too hot lately, but he’s legit afraid of his HOA.

Brandon Dayes makes good use of the line-up time to check in with his mascots. Do they have an age-appropriate sister who likes soccer? Or soccer players?

Captain Totsch tries to use his captain powers to make the squad tuck in their jerseys. Jake Morris isn’t listening. He’s trying to get the UK football score from a guy in the stands. You really don’t want to know, Jake.

Morris is not happy to hear that UK stopped scoring at halftime and takes his frustration out on the soccer ball.

After several unsuccessful runs on the goal, Dayes decides to stretch his allocated part of the pitch to somewhere closer to the net. The tall guy - surely, you noticed the 6-foot 6-inch guy with Hulk Energy on the pitch - was not happy about the defender outrunning him.

Turns out nobody really liked Dayes’ run, so El Paso decided to implement their Fall Down strategy, which they would turn to repeatedly on the night. The Fall Down works on many levels. It can be used to stop a goal (as seen here), it can also be used to delay the game, and it can be used to time waste. Those last two may sound the same but they are not. Just ask the center referee who definitely has not read a rule book.

You know who was not wasting a single second? Jansen Wilson. He had a few beautiful shots at the goal, but the El Paso keeper didn’t have the sun in his eyes like our defenders did for the first half and had two boxes of Wheaties for breakfast.

Morris brought the ball right up to the net but it saw the look on the Keeper’s face and said “uh uh, I’m not going near that guy, he Loco” and though he was only halfway right, the ball continued into the waterfront zone.

Meanwhile, on the right, Mukwelle Akale (nicknamed AK-47) and Aiden McFadden (middle name De Lee) brought their own ammunition to the goal. Here, Aiden, tells everyone to steer clear while he takes a shot.

Morris heads down the pitch again thinking he can probably outrun the El Paso defender who apparently took a trip through a nearby sprinkler before heading back to the match.

Another Locomotive player looks on in awe as Kevon Lambert puts on a clinic in ball control.

Ooooooh so that’s why they call him AK-47. Yes, El Paso, welcome to the gun show.

Aiden finally catches up with the ball that was afraid of the El Paso Keeper and gives it a talking to.

You gotta be faster than that to keep up with Jansen, bruh.

Taylor Davila, this is a personal appeal to work with me here. You give me no material when you’re just playing perfectly, which is all the time. Could you have a haircut mishap, or maybe kick up some grass into an opponent’s face? I could run with that.

Hey El Paso guy, is something bothering you? Something you need to get off your mind?

Everybody likes being the Little Spoon, right? Not Sean Totsch. Big Spoon all the way.

I can usually count on Chris “Energizer Donny” Donovan to give me a good shot, if I can catch him. Ask him how he earned his nickname. Actually, don’t do that. He may not know that I call him that.

There’s Dia, still worried about his lawn. Wonder if one of the Lynn Family Groundskeepers could give him some tips on keeping his yard looking fit. Or take care of his HOA president (wink).

There goes the Big Spoon. Good for those big servings.

“Are you talkin’ to me?” Everyone knows Brandon Dayes’ mom was the UofL women’s soccer head coach for 26 years (just retired in February), but did you know that his uncle was in the Russian mafia and didn’t retire until July? Just kidding. Everyone knows you never retire from the mob.

We have reached the sunset picture part of the commentary, so please pause after each picture and say “wow” before moving on to the next. (Thanks again for nothing, Taylor. Great hustle. Darn you.)

Meanwhile Sean is starting up a game of tag in front of the Lou City goal.

Now entering the match, Evan Davila! Don’t do me like Taylor, Evan. Where’s that new mean look of yours? You’re not going all professional on me are you?

That’s more like it. Evil Evan makes an appearance and attempts a kick line with El Paso. (Look at that sunset! Wow!)

Ok I may have gotten too caught up in the sunset and then this drama fell in my lap, almost literally. I can’t tell why El Paso is screaming. Maybe he saw the Lynn Family bat flying around (he was out last night, I saw him). Or maybe he was afraid that he was going to break his nose on my camera lens. Either way, it turned out fine. We’ll check in with Tall Guy in a minute.

Dayes and Totsch pose for a sunset pic. Hopefully nobody comes along to disturb the peac-

Kevon Lambert: Hey guys, listen up. Anyone know why Aiden crossed the road?

Dayes: What? Aiden is right in front of us, he didn’t-

Kevon: To get to the other slide!

Totsch: Evidently we need to stand farther away.

“Hey!!” Dia yells at Lambert for attempting a dad joke. That’s his thing.

Looks like Tall Guy has recovered from his freak out. Even had time to go reapply his eyeliner.

Let’s check in with Aiden (he did slide quite a bit this match). Yep, looks like he’s doing juuuuuhhhst fine.

You know who else is doing just fine, and just loves being on the bench? Kyle Adams.

(I’m sorry, Kyle. You’re right, it’s not funny. I’ll do a lap.)

Like a ninja, Manny Perez has entered the match and is racing down the sideline. He whispers to the El Paso coach that he’s going to score.

Before he scores, Manny is asked to knight one of the El Paso players for some reason. “I hereby pronounce you, Sir Falls Alot, heir to the throne of Sir Humpty Dumpty.”

An actual Duke - Cam Duke - is subbed in. Werewolf tries to work his charms and good looks to slow down Cam to no avail. He is getting more and more handsome as the match goes on.

Looks like the Davila brothers are out here talking strategy but actually Evan is calling top bunk.

Okay, Coach, I know you’re ticked at Kyle Adams, something about him stealing your shampoo, but you gotta put Cooper Conley in, ok? We all saw him play Trinidad and Tobago and we need some of that. I’m going to slow clap this for you: Put! Him! In! Put! Him! In! Al! So! Kyle! Put! Them! In! Thanks, Coach :-)

Taylor is tired of messing around and ready to launch this corner in for a goal. (If you’ve been paying attention, you know that Taylor never messes around, but he really is going to set up a nice little header.)

If you blinked, you missed it. Manny didn’t blink. Lou City is on the board with the header from Manny.

77th minute, so back to business. Your celebration gallery is below.

Strategy talk. Fans have called for Aiden to be considered for the captain’s armband after his performance last night. His leadership and fire on the field last night were much needed. If we’re shaking things up, why not let him don the armband?